Fans of the CBS series NCIS can usually recite the rules, such as “Never apologize,” that Special Agent Gibbs insists his team follow.
At first blush, this may seem bad advice for any leader to take seriously. Seriously, we all blunder, make mistakes, and do things we wish we could take back. Why then, would this rejection of apologies make sense?
If I step on your foot, I’ll say I’m sorry. You’ll believe I never intended to step on it; I don’t usually step on people’s feet; and I’ll be more careful next time. You’ll accept the apology. You’ll accept it because I haven’t established a pattern of behavior—step on your foot, apologize, expect you to get over it, and then step on it again when I feel like being lazy or inconsiderate.
Years ago I worked for a boss who had this pattern—blow up and then want everyone to get over it. (He never actually apologized. He’d just later engage in horseplay and irrelevant conversations to send the message that all the unpleasantness was over). He experienced a yearly 20% turnover in an industry that virtually had none. Finally I joined the ranks of other talented people who couldn’t take his behavior any more. At one point he told one of my colleagues that he didn’t realize people found his outbursts upsetting.
How could a person honestly say he didn’t realize the impact of his behavior?
Apologizing for losing your temper is different than expressing regret that you stepped on someone’s foot. It’s like saying, “When I get frustrated, I like to vent. You people are subordinate to me, so I give myself the license to act in ways I’d never act to important people. It’s come to my attention that you don’t like it. I never knew. I’ll stop now. But this apology, and those like it, give me permission to keep doing what I like to do when I get mad.”
No one will believe you. I’m from Missouri, the “Show Me” state.
Special Agent Gibbs might be on to something. If leaders follow the rule not to apologize, they will hold themselves to a higher gold standard—they simply won’t allow themselves to slip into emotional outbursts and inappropriate behavior that would trigger a need for an apology.
Think about it. Each and every week Gibbs gets the bad guy, solves the murder, and develops his team along the way. You could do worse in finding a role model!
